What Would You Do If Healed?

"What would you want us to do if you were miraculously healed from ALS?" my husband asked me as he walked into our bedroom. "Would you like to be missionaries in Africa or somewhere else?" His questions reverberated deep inside me; I wasn't quite sure how to answer, but I knew that the Lord had just given me my next blog topic. 

Of course, in many ways, I would LOVE to be healed of this dreadful disease! Recently while our oldest daughter was helping me, doing the multitude of unpleasant tasks involved in my care, several big tears slipped down my cheek as I wished things could be different. I should be the one helping her! How I would LOVE to help her set up the nursery for her baby girl coming in June! How I would LOVE to babysit her sweet, energetic 19-month-old! It doesn't seem right or fair that I can't do these things. 

And yet when Kevin asked his question you might be surprised that I didn't immediately feel excited about the thought of being healed. My mind went to the story of a pastor who was severely persecuted for his faith in communist Cuba. When he was finally freed and living the “good life” in America someone asked him if it was easier to live as a Christian in a Cuban prison or in the US. He didn't hesitate to say that it was easier to live for Christ in prison. 

I wouldn't want to walk again if I would loose the close connection with my loving Savior that this trial has brought. Trials help to keep us in a dependent relationship with Jesus. Right where we need to be. 

Sometimes we've dreamed of one day possibly starting a school or orphanage in Africa. However, that dream has grown dim in recent years. Don't get me wrong, my family and I still pray often for healing here and now. I know He could heal me in an instant. But sometimes I wonder if God has an even greater miracle in mind than physical healing. What if He wants to strengthen me to face the physical infirmity and live a testimony to others even in face of extreme adversity?  

While contemplating these things I had the thought, "Shelly, do you REALLY believe what you're writing, or are these just words on paper?" Reading back over my writing I know that deep in the core of my being I DO believe what I'm sharing. That doesn't mean it always plays out in my everyday experience. Sometimes the feelings of fear, anxiety, helplessness, or loss threaten to engulf me. I struggle. This song has become the prayer of my heart as I pray for faith to be strong - Faith To Be Strong. But I'm also feebly learning to surrender my desires and trust Him to write the story of my life. 

Whether or not we end up in Africa is up to Him. Not my will, but Yours be done, Lord.