Mercies in Disguise

A few nights ago I found myself in a scary situation. I woke up around 11:45 feeling sore and achy, desperate to be moved. Awakening Kevin with my eye-gaze computer, I requested him to turn my head and make a few adjustments and then put the computer back to "sleep" (I have the ability with my eye-gaze computer to turn the screen on or off by looking down then back up to the screen). A few moments later I felt cold and attempted to turn on the eye-gaze again to ask Kevin to pull up my blanket. It came on, but somehow the infrared camera froze and it wouldn't recognize my eye movements.  I suddenly found myself stuck in one of my worst fears. 

We have a back up alarm called a "twitch switch" to hopefully help me out of predicaments like this. It's a small unit with a sensor that is taped to my forehead and is supposed to sound an alarm if I raise my eyebrows. However, we've been having significant challenges with it.  The "glitch switch”, as we call it, sometimes randomly buzzes for no reason or doesn't work when I need it to. Kevin had just turned it off a few moments earlier because it was majorly glitching. 

I felt panic struggling to rise. It is such a totally helpless feeling to have no voice, no movement, no way to wake my dear husband lying just inches away or even scratch my nose.  What if I have a need or an emergency with my trach?  Will I be stuck like this, staring at the alphabet on my computer screen until morning? I lay there in the stillness, like a log by the trail in the moonlight. 

My mind immediately called out to my "ever present help in trouble" (Psalm 46:1). I prayed for peace, safety, my family, my ministry, many things.  I was thankful for the extra opportunity to pray and in my total helplessness God gave me peace that I was in His hands. 

I thought of the book Kevin and I are listening to on Audible, "When God Doesn't Fix It", by Laura Story. You may have heard her song, "Blessings", inspired through the trial of her husband's brain tumor. The words of the chorus whispered through my sleepy thoughts.  

"'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops?

What if Your healing comes through tears? 

What if a thousand sleepless nights 

is what it takes to know You're near?  

What if the trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?"

https://youtu.be/XQan9L3yXjc?si=L85S1tm5xBjSx3Cu

Here I was experiencing one of those "thousand sleepless nights," yet finding through it that He IS near! By His strength I was able to surrender the panic and finally fell back to sleep resting in that assurance. Kevin's stirring movements awakened me several hours later.  I felt grateful for God's protection in bringing me safely through the night, but especially for giving me a deeper understanding of His mercies in disguise.   

"Teach me Thy ways, O Lord, that I may rely on Your faithfulness.." Psalm 86:1 NIV 

Lord, I'm a slow learner. Thank you for Your patience in trying to teach me. My lesson tonight: I can trust You. The trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise. 

P.S. I might need to be reminded on the next sleepless night.