Am I Going To Die?

"There's a 90% chance you have ALS." When I heard those shocking words from my neurologist almost 4 years ago, tears immediately sprang to my eyes. I didn't know many details about the disease, other than some foggy descriptions from nursing school and a few google searches, but I knew it wasn't good. The doctor knew it too. She also left the room in tears.  

The grim textbook statistics about ALS share that the average life expectancy is 3 to 5 years after diagnosis, with no cure and is always fatal. However, I personally know several who have reversed ALS and are walking and talking again, years after diagnosis. Miracles still happen. Textbooks aren't always correct. 

Also, the statistics are for those without a ventilator as many don't choose to go that route. One doctor stated that with a ventilator there's no reason why an ALS patient couldn't have a normal life expectancy. Signs are pointing to Jesus soon return.  But if time lasts, with the careful, vigilant care I receive daily, I may be yet around to see my kids all married and grandchildren growing up.  

Side note: My life as it is might not be classified by most as "life more abundant." It's crazy, plain hard, and not picture perfect, but who said you have to walk and talk to have a fulfilled life?  

Of course there are many potential life threatening complications that could occur, such as getting a mucous "plug" blocking the airway, blood clot, vent dependent pneumonia, infection..., and the list goes on. Also, I am pretty dependent on the power grid with all my equipment. I'd be in trouble with a major crisis and power outage.  

So, basically (as with any of us), only God knows the length of my days. As long as He has a work for me to do, He will preserve me.  Nothing can take me out without His permission. 

However, I didn't always feel this confident. When I saw my paternal grandmother lying lifeless in a casket when I was a sensitive 9 year old it really shook my secure world. I was worried for years after that something would happen to my parents or loved ones. It wasn't until years later, as a young pastor's wife, that I finally came to grips with death. At a touching memorial service for a young school teacher who suddenly died with a brain tumor, I saw the beautiful kaleidoscope of a life well lived, and the assurance of a future life. Somehow all that gut wrenching fear dissolved into trust. 

Not that I'm never concerned or wanting to hold on to life and loved ones. In fact I'm presently grieving the loss of a dear friend to this terrible disease. Sherry reached out to me on Whatsapp a year or so ago, after reading my blog.  We often compared notes and encouraged each other in the Lord. I sent her a message several weeks ago, but never heard back from her so I was concerned. Her husband just texted to say she passed. I look forward to meeting her in person soon, in heaven. We'll enjoy our new bodies, free from the ravages of ALS.  

Although not a favorite topic of meditation I'm not scared of death now. If I die in Jesus, the next thing I will realize is the trumpet call when He comes back. (1 Thessalonians 4:16, Ecclesiastes 9:5, 6) Probably the hardest thought about dying would be leaving my family. But, I can trust that the same God who is faithfully preserving me would faithfully comfort and take care of my loved ones too. 

So, am I going to die?  Yes, sooner or later (unless Jesus comes back first). It's inevitable for all. Only God knows when, and I can trust Him with my future. 

"But as for me, I trust in you, O Lord; I say, you are my God. My times are in your hands..." Psalm 31:14