Giving Up My Rights

I recently listened to "The Pineapple Story" by missionary, Otto Koning.  He humorously narrates the story of planting pineapples in Papua New Guinea where he was working with an uncivilized, indigenous group of heathens who kept stealing his pineapples (and a lot of other things) no matter what he did to try and stop them.

Eventually he felt God lead him to surrender His right to ownership of his pineapple garden. This brought peace as he stopped worrying about the outcome. Later he surrendered his right to his family, his reputation and many other things. 

The Pineapple Story - click the link to listen to the whole story. 

This story led me to a deeper level of surrendering the supposed "rights" to several things in my own life.

Like in pineapple story I've had to give up rights to many things in my life: 

Dignity/Pride - I've always taken pride in how I look and dress (maybe too much so at times). Nowadays I never even look in the mirror. There’s no use. Lol. I can do zilch to change things anyway.  Might as well surrender it. One man with ALS said once he "gave up all pride and dignity, the rest has been pretty easy!"
 
Independence - This has been gradually stripped away as things have gotten harder. I sometimes watch people doing something as simple as walking down the sidewalk and sigh inside. "They make it look so easy!" It used to be easy for me too! I am so dependent for everything now. I used to be the one taking care of my world, now my world is having a hard time taking care of me!

Food - I've had a feeding tube since August of 2021, but still ate some by mouth for several months afterwards. It's difficult to not be able to taste and enjoy a delicious looking meal with the family as everything goes through the tube now. But, thankfully I've gotten used to it and have never been a huge "foodie" so it's not as difficult as it could be! I'm thankful for the 54+years I WAS able to enjoy a good meal!

Comfort - I'm so uncomfortable most of the time!  So tired of sitting, tired of having to constantly ask for help for even the slightest adjustment to my aching legs or tailbone.  But since when do I have a right to be comfortable? Sometimes when I'm hurting I remind myself of a picture I saw of missionary Adoniram Judson in a Burmese prison. At night the guards would come in and put a pole through the shackles on the prisoner's feet, then lift the pole straight up so that only the prisoner's back and head were touching the floor during the night. How excruciating! Although extremely trying, obviously things could be worse.

Control - It's getting harder to drive my chair myself as my right hand weakens. Sometimes when we're going longer distances I'll ask Kevin to drive for me by using the caregiver controls on the back. It is very challenging to drive from behind. We've had a few mishaps/accidents and I feel very panicky and out of control at times (maybe a touch of PTSD). Sometimes when it looks like we're getting close to the drop off by the edge of the sidewalk I just have to close my eyes and pray. It's a feeling of total helplessness and being out of control.

Communication - I'm still me! Giving up my right to easy communication has been the hardest for me I think. I've always liked to converse and share my thoughts. Now many of them just seem to bounce around in my head. I can give up eating the pizza with the family, but I miss the free flow of conversation around the table. Many times by the time I prepare a comment to share on the eye gaze the conversation has already moved on to the next topic. I miss long conversations with Kevin or picking up the phone to call my sister. I MISS TALKING!

Surrendering is a daily battle and not an easy one! Please don't think of me as a “spiritual giant.” It is my desire to glorify Him in how I handle this trial, but some days I fall terribly short of that goal and get fearful, upset or overreact. But I'm so thankful for forgiveness both from others and from God. Surrender also involves forgiving myself and moving on.

Surrender is not always easy but it is the path to peace.

“The work of righteousness will be peace, and the effect of righteousness, quietness and assurance forever.” 

Isaiah 32:17

Back when life was easier - Jan 2022: