Silent Cries

My body definitely isn't cooperating, but I'm still totally "me" on the inside; desperately wishing I could communicate more easily what's on the inside to the world outside.

One of my cousins recently texted me: "Shelly...you have a perfectly functional and brilliant mind with all the normal wishes, interests and desires inside a body inflicting absolute cruelty. But, in your faith, you find the ability to rest." I might argue against the "brilliant mind" part (lol) but the rest of what he said holds true. 

I realize now that when I wrote a blog about "Communication Gaps" in July of 2021 I was just in the "minor leagues" of difficulty with communication, now it seems I'm loosing games daily in the "major leagues" as communicating even the basic things is sometimes so difficult! 

My speech was getting especially hard to understand before I got my trach in May of 2022,  but at least I could make a noise! With a cuffed trach, it is a "closed system" with no air passing the vocal cords so I have no ability to even make a sound. Even my tearful cries are silent. 

Now I have to rely on text-to-speech apps on my phone to communicate. I type by using my right thumb to slide between the letters to make the words and then have it speak for me. But with modern technology I have it a lot easier than Lou Gehrig did back in 1941!

I can also use some basic sign language which Kevin and I learned 15-20 years ago from deaf friends back in Virginia. It has been very helpful, although with some beginning weakness in my right hand some of my formed letters now look a bit odd. Sometimes in the middle of the night I finger spell my needs in the darkness into Kevin's open hand.  

Without a miracle I may soon have to communicate through an eye gaze computer.  This remarkable technology can be mounted on my wheelchair or a stand over the bed and I can type and use the computer solely with my eyes. But until I practice and learn it well I'm sure it will be a slow and tedious process.

I miss being able to freely communicate with my family and friends. A few months ago another cousin texted me the following: "Shelly, it struck me recently when I was thinking about your situation how difficult it must be not to be able to freely talk to Kevin. But nothing about your ability to communicate with the Lord has changed. You can talk to Him as freely now as before because you talk from the heart. What a wonderful Savior we have!" 

So true! My loving Savior hears me and knows me, even when I can't speak or no one else understands me. This song has a different and deeper meaning for me than for most.

When I Can’t Speak || Tyler Castleton (Click this link to listen to the song.)

I'm thankful that in spite of the increasing challenges my prayer life and trust in Him is stronger than it's ever been. He hears my heart cry at any time of the day or night.

So here's a few thankfuls and prayer requests:

Thankfuls:

1)For each day I can still use my right hand. 

2) That He helped provide my needs today by learning sign language many years ago. 

3) Modern technology.

4) A clear mind.

Prayer requests: 

1) That the Lord would preserve my right hand. 

2) That insurance would come through quickly and He would provide the eye gaze computer I need when I need it. 

3) That He would give me creative ways to be heard. 

4) That despite the challenges the Lord can use my "voice" to encourage many for as long as He gives me breath and help me reach more people.

5) That He would help me bear this heavy cross and hear my silent cries. 

LORD, hear my prayer; let my cry for help come before you.

Do not hide your face from me in my day of trouble. Listen closely to me; answer me quickly when I call

Psalm 102:1, 2