Communication Gaps

I am beginning to experience more challenges communicating with people and I don’t like it! I have always enjoyed contributing to conversations and talking to people. My husband always tells people that I am the one who can communicate what someone says verbatim whereas he can easily summarize an hour-long conversation in 2 minutes!  Communicating, welcoming people, finding out about them, hosting them in our home are things that I have always loved to do.  Now I sometimes find myself being more reclusive.  This is not like the usual me! 

My voice is becoming less understandable so it is frustrating to try and talk, have people not understand me and then have to try and repeat things. I can’t contribute to conversations as easily and I sense it’s even a little hard for people to know how to relate to me.  It is also difficult to even admit this is really happening as I just want to wake up from this bad dream and resume life as “normal.”  However, I’m thankful that other than my speech being harder to understand, I still feel good. I am not in pain.

Graduation weekend here on campus I found myself avoiding people or slipping out the back door so as not to have to talk to people. Some good friends were here and I just longed to sit down and catch up, yet I felt anxious around them when my family wasn’t around to “interpret”.  After one meeting I slipped out the back door of the auditorium through the construction area, but a visitor and his kids were on the sidewalk between there and my home.  I watched through the window and waited several minutes hoping he would walk away so that I could make my escape.  He didn’t, so I finally had to brave going by him, and managed a weak “hello.” This is SO NOT me! I usually am one of the first to go up to people to talk to them and welcome them! 

I also have to prayerfully evaluate my own heart. Is it mainly pride and embarrassment that makes me feel this way? Am I trying to guard my reputation and what people think of me and that’s what makes me feel reclusive at times? One man with ALS laughingly said, “ Once I gave up all my pride and dignity then the rest was pretty much smooth sailing!” LOL.  As Christians, we are called to surrender and give up pride.  I guess ALS can be a blessing in some ways as it puts me on the “fast track” of dying to self. I feel like I’m in a required course in “Pride Busting Techniques—101.” However, I can only pass this course by God’s strength and mercy.

My dear husband, family, and friends have to adjust as well.  Several; days ago, I was driving with Kevin and there was some silence in the vehicle.  I said, “Talk to me! Tell me about your day!” He reminded me that this is a “new normal” for him as well as usually, I am the one carrying the bulk of our conversations, talking and sharing about our kids, life, and new ideas. As always I love time with my family, but it is hard for them to just call me up, or sit down to chat.  I have to be more creative in how to connect meaningfully with others (and sometimes I don’t do very well at it).

So, I am learning to adapt.  I have this nifty little battery-operated writing board that I can use to write messages to people and then quickly erase them. I FaceTimed my sister the other day. She talked and I texted. It worked OK and we could see each other in-between my texting. Also, I’m waiting for a helpful organization to provide me a communication app for my phone that will help. I’m thankful for modern technology!

I’ve been memorizing some scripture and 2 Corinthians 12:9 has become a special verse to me: 

“And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”

Lord, help me to rise above my “infirmities”, put self aside, and continue to communicate as I can... for as long as I can. Give me the courage to go out of my comfort zone to help bridge the communication gap. Make Your strength perfect in my weakness.