Eating Worms

“No one loves me, everybody hates me, I’m gonna just go eat worms!” Do any of you remember hearing this depressing childhood saying? The idea is that when all looks dark, foreboding and overwhelming you can just indulge in a little self pity by “eating worms”. That’s how I felt yesterday.  In fact, at one point, Kevin and I laughed out loud (LOL) at the mental picture of me with my head stuck in a five gallon bucket full of worms. It felt good to laugh!

You see, someone with ALS may sometimes have what’s called “Pseudo Bulbar Affect” (or PBA) where strong emotions, tears and laughter, can be right “under the surface” and spill over the edge without warning and seemingly without control. It’s extremely frustrating! I’ve been experiencing some of this lately and this morning I wrote in my journal about this challenge. I didn’t intend to share it with anyone, but later today felt impressed to write this “raw footage” from my journal in the hope that it may help someone else in their journey—maybe not with ALS, but many of us have those times of uncontrollable tears and fears.  

(When I told Kevin that I might share the “real deal” he reminded me that last time I shared in my blog about a “down day” and that we were out of tissues, I had 3-4 friends and family send me tissues.  One aunt from Florida kindly sent a huge box of tissues, TP, and other paper products that we are still using! People are so kind. God is good!

There’s a risk in being real (even a risk in being inundated with tissues), but what do I have to loose?  I want my life, with its encountered trials and God’s blessings, to hopefully be a help and encouragement to others in their walk. So this post is a little longer than my usual as the following is is pretty much my unedited journal entry from this morning:

“Lord, I’m in my hammock. A “squatter” hammock is in my usual favorite spot by Lake Harriet so I had to relocate. Nonetheless it is beautiful here in the woods near our house on the other side of Polk Pond. Lord, I feel alone, drained and empty. My dear husband just brought me some wild flowers.  So sweet! He said the purplish ones showed his love for me, the royal blue ones showed that I am Your royal daughter and the yellow ones showed that I am the sunshine of the family. I’ve failed in that last category pretty miserable lately. No sunshine here!

I’m kind of a “basket case” and can’t seem to turn off my tears which seem to be right below the surface. It’s embarrassing! I know this PBA makes it almost impossible to stop the flow sometimes and even that thought is SO FRUSTRATING that it makes the tears flow harder. I hate this roller coaster of emotions and the example it gives to the family. I mean the small thing that triggered this emotional avalanche yesterday was so insignificant.  Just a simple family discussion where I felt my desires were invalidated. There were just a few differing views on the topic—NOT a problem! But I got all emotional and that catapulted me into a downward spiral for the rest of the day.  OH...PLEASE! Get a grip Shelly!

I’ve always seen myself as a fairly strong, calm, unemotional person. So seeing this potential “new me” is quite a downer. I mean, PTL I had nine good and positive days since my last “red letter failure day” that imploded on itself. But, those down days are ones that I don’t want to repeat! I need a plan of action to combat them! You have promised in your word that NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE for You! That must mean even PBA caused from ALS and the “uncontrollable” emotions associated with it. Show me again my STRONG TOWER (previous post) and what I need to do on those down days to head off the implosion.

Later... After I wrote the above words I headed up to breakfast.  However, as I walked through the tall grass I was impeded in my way with a bunch of “sticker burrs” clinging to my full, green skirt. Bothers, I thought! But as I pulled them off one by one, I realized a lesson here. This ALS journey (and by God’s grace, path to healing) may have many hindrances along the way: disappointments, fears, question marks, embarrassments, rough spots. These circumstances or “seeds” will try to cling to me, try to grow in my mind, to be an annoyance, to take over my focus and attitude and drag me down to the point I was yesterday—“eating worms”—where everything looked dark and hopeless.

So, what is my plan for combatting the despondent and depressing clouds like sticker burrs in my way?  I was still feeling low, low as I started walking up for breakfast and encountered the burrs, then somehow my mind shifted to praise.  As I started praising the Lord for many random things, little and big (family, friends, ducks, clouds, granola, a roof ...) it was if my heart renewed a little with each praise and each step. It’s a simple concept really, but powerful.

When I came back to my hammock after breakfast I read many encouraging quotes and promises having to do with praise which I put in my brand new “praise” notes on my phone. This one especially spoke to me: “The way to reveal God to the world is to rejoice, and praise Him for what He has done for you.”

So, here’s my “Praise Plan” to combat sticker burrs along my way:

1. At the first sign of tears, don’t try to talk, explain the situation, just “leave the mix.” Retreat to my bedroom or nearest place where I can be alone. Warn my family that this may happen.
2. Start praising the Lord, “rapid fire” for anything and everything you can think of until the clouds lift.
3. Read quotes in “Praise” notes on my phone to renew hope in the Lord and His promises.
4. Evaluate, surrender and tell yourself the truth as to what feelings, wrong thoughts or over-reactions brought you to this place.  Don’t “own” the wrong thought and dwell on it. Give it to God.
5. Endeavor to live one day at a time and DETERMINE not to borrow trouble from tomorrow.
6. NO EATING WORMS! Have a “quick turn around” in your mind.  Get your mind off yourself and every time the devil tempts you to “replay” his doubts and fears, run, RUN to your STRONG TOWER, slam the door in the devil’s face and chase him away with praise (repeat #2 as often as necessary). 
7. Pray, thanking Him for victory and surrendering feelings and anxious, despairing thoughts.  Claim promises that He is with me on this journey.
8. Sing, play piano, listen to Scripture songs, anything to focus my mind upwards. Anytime the tears surface and the worms start squirming repeat #2!”

“Oh that men would praise the LORD for his goodness, and for his wonderful works to the children of men!” Psalm 107:21

So there it is friends: the REAL raw deal.